We are exhausted, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I have never met someone providing care for a loved one who could not in some way relate to that statement. The issue is not the exhaustion. The problem comes to play when we live there. When we start to become comfortable with that exhaustion. We forget then, that we don’t have to be exhausted 24/7.
Do you live and feed off of your exhaustion? Do you dare to think of a different way of being?
In care, so much is unpredictable. We grasp on to what we can control, what we know, what is predictable. Our exhaustion is predictable. It gives us a response to a question about how we are doing without the vulnerability of a deep and pure conversation. It gives us an excuse for why something did or didn’t take place. It allows us to hide instead of thrive in our humanity.
We can’t change the tasks, nor can we change the timeline. We can change how we rest, how we reach out to others, how we breathe.
If you are struggling here are somethings I want to share with you.
- To be exhausted is okay. Expected in fact. Just don’t live there and make it your entire identity.
- To feel like you are failing is not a sign of your failure, but a symptom of your care. While not all of us feel like we are failing, if you do feel that creep up in your life, keep in the back of your mind that you are not failing.
- Rest in your limitations. That is to say, know you have limits, and instead of pushing through, rest. Find people to help you, or patterns of care you can implement to help you support your loved one.
- Find your community. I sound like a broken record here I am sure, but it is the BEST thing you can do. It does not have to large, it does not have to be made up of specific people. It can be two or three people. They don’t have to know anything about dementia, about care, they simply have to love and care about you and for you to love and care about them. This could be a neighbor, fellow member of your church, a close family member who is not also caring for your loved one, a friend from childhood, people you met at a Memory Café or Arts Access program. Find someone who can be there for a quick call or text when you just need a virtual hug (or a real one) or to have dinner with once in blue moon. They don’t need to be daily lunch mates, but people who know you, see you, hear you.
- Explore your hobbies. You may not have the time to escape for a weekend of skiing, or even 5 minutes to paint as often as you would like. Find time if not each day, each week, to do something for you that feeds your interests, and nourishes your soul.
- Lean into your faith. If you are a person of faith do not abandon your prayer life. Don’t cancel your spiritual direction meetings, your monthly holy hour, or stop going to church. There are people who can help you maintain your faith, and there are respite programs and community organizations that exist so that you have time to continue to practice your faith.
- Finally, don’t assume all dementia is end-stage dementia. How much are you doing unnecessarily? How much can your loved one still do alone or with your support and guidance? So many of our tasks stem from our assumptions about someone’s ability. What can your loved one still do? Allow them to do it. Your love and care for them drives your desire to do everything to keep them safe and healthy, but sometimes we end up taking more away from our loved ones than is necessary.
It goes without saying, you always have me and the community I am working to build each day here to support you, cheer you on, and listen to you. Never hesitate to reach out.
Our role is to thrive. To thrive while providing care for our loved ones. To thrive in the trials and the triumphs. What steps can you take each day to make sure you can thrive?