Today would have been my Uncle’s 90th birthday. The first birthday after someone dies is always interesting, they are complex, they are both joyful and sorrowful. It is a reminder that someone we loved is no longer with us.
Not that long ago a friend of mine shared that it was their grandmother’s first birthday after moving into the later stages of dementia. She no longer remembered her own birthday, no longer went to celebrate other family member’s birthdays as the care required was too much for the family handle. The celebrations of one’s birth and life ceased to exist. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
So, how do we move through these complex celebrations. Holidays and anniversaries have a similar tone of the unknown and discomfort. I believe we should still celebrate, still rejoice in the love, the friendship, the life. This doesn’t necessarily mean throwing a birthday party, buying a cake, or wrapping up gifts. It means spending time with those still around. It means celebrating the family and friendships that exist in our life.
So, if you are approaching a birthday for someone no longer with us, in the later stages of dementia, you can still celebrate, still come together, still remember. Here are some ways this may unfold.
- Send a card to the husband, wife, children on the loved one’s birthday letting them know that you are thinking of them.
- Gather as a family or as friends on or near the birthday of the loved one who has died for dinner, for cupcakes, for a walk through the park.
- If the person living with dementia no longer remembers their birthday, go visit them. No need for party hats or birthday cake, your presents is the best gift, your expression of love by spending them with them is the greatest celebration.
- Light at candle at church for that person.
- Call up a friend or family member to share memories.
- Bring in a favorite treat to your loved one living with dementia, no need to explain why.
- What else? How can you get creative in celebrating the life of someone you love?
Never be afraid to celebrate in times of trails. Never cease to celebrate those you love and have loved.
