9 minutes old or 109 years old. Death is not an easy part of life. We struggle with the loss no matter our age, no matter the age of our loved one now gone. The people who die before our memories begin leave as big a hole in who we are as those we knew for decades. What we do with these feelings of grief is what forms our existence even more. We are made for community and so of course we will long for it every day of our life, and miss those no longer a part of it.
I have long found it interesting that November is both the month of thanksgiving and the month when we pay special attention to honor those we have lost. It is life’s wink telling us that two things can be true at the same time, that we can both grieve and be joyful in thanksgiving simultaneously.
Do you grieve well? What the heck does that even mean? Our experience with and journey along grief is varied and can find us both in complete recognition of who we are and finding ourselves seeing a different person when we look in the mirror.
For the care partner who lost their loved one with dementia.
The death of a loved one with dementia is such ball of yarn. There is sadness for the moments when you can no longer hold their hand or see their eyes. There is sadness for the “lost years” when they were alive but unable to live with you the plan created for your lives. There is a release as you can exhale from your role as carer. There is the grief of now maybe even mourning the loss of your role as caregiver. A role that was thrust upon you that maybe you even hated but became so much apart of your identity, you now feel lost without it. Whatever you may be grieving in whatever way you are grieving, where are there moments of thanksgiving? Where can you find the beauty of your life and how it was woven into the life of the one you now miss?
For the person living with dementia.
Never let anyone tell you you no longer grieve. I once witnessed a nurse tell someone living with dementia that they could not possible miss that other resident because how could they remember that person. That moment magnified two major problems in care, and in the years that have passed, I think we have gotten better as a society, but in case we have not. Grieve and feel free to grieve, not just the life of another, but your own life, the life you thought you were going to live. Join in others in your grief, don’t pull away. Your love for that person and the stories you recall are important to us.
We all grieve, life, each other, careers, time periods, homes, and dreams. This month, may we look towards the thanksgiving of each loss we carry. Let us remember the dead and live joyfully in thanksgiving the life we have been given – even if it does carry some warts.